Seven years…
We celebrated you today.
We went to the cemetery. We wrote
notes to you and Paige. We let balloons
go, we sat on the ground and ate cupcakes.
You cleared the sky and let the sun warm our bodies while Lily and I
talked outside. There are so many
things that I wish I could change. The
past is so awful. Even through the drugs
the doctors gave me, the praying to forget the pain both physical and emotional
I remember every detail. I remember that
we were running late, traffic was bad. I
remember calling to let the doctors know and them telling me that we may need
to reschedule. I remember being excited
to find out boy or girl. I never
questioned healthy. I never thought
maybe there is a problem. We had already
come through so much, infertility for the second time, one early
miscarriage. We were already 20
weeks. Then the sonographer started, and
then she stopped talking, then she said excuse me a minute and went to see the
doctor. It hit us… this is not
good. I barely remember talking to Dr.
Wooten. I remember driving around
looking for lunch, because now we had a new Doctor and another appointment. I remember your name coming to me. Grace had told her babysitter on multiple
occasions that if you were a boy your name was Brendan and a girl I think was
Sally. You would be named Brendan and Daniel
after my great uncle. I don’t know why
it came to me, I don’t know why Daniel, but it hit me and it had to be. The rest of that day was awful, being told
words I had no idea what they were, but it boiled down to I would never get to
be your mom, I would never get to hold you.
On March 1, 2007 you were taken from me and sent to heaven. I will never forget closing my eyes and
seeing blue eyes and white hair. At the
time I thought it was my granma with me, but maybe it was you. You were so loved, and so wanted. If I could go back, I would change so many
things. But I can’t. I just can’t and sometimes that is all my
brain can think.
I hope heaven is filled today rejoicing you. I hope my granma and your little sister Paige
were beside you having fun today. I hope
you know us and I hope I get to hold you one day in my arms. I hope to get to heaven one day and have my
heart healed and no longer broken. I
miss you sweet angel baby.
