New Normal

Everyone says we will find it.  I am not so sure....  Time either flies by too fast and we wake up one day realizing Paige has been gone 5 months or the days between 5 months and 6 months drag from Day to day, minute to minute and hour to hour.
A week after Lily's MRI I realized I had shut all emotion behind the wall in my heart.  Even getting the good news of no intervention needed right now hasn't broken the wall.  On Wednesday morning the wall started to crumble a little, but I find the anger is breaking through.  I am so angry that she is not here, that I hurt as much as I did all those months ago.  I really want to smile to feel happy, but I don't know that I ever will.  I have a mask that I wear to work, to the grocery store, virtually everywhere.  I only let the real mask off to my two closest friends and my counselor.  Then I have to carefully put it back in place for Tom and the girls and whomever else I run into.  Unfortunately it is not a great mask and there is a lot that slips past it.
I have lost contact with friends that can't deal with the new Sarah.  I see people hide from me or change their conversation so as not to hurt me.  See that mask does come in handy, I can pretend I don't notice or don't see you too.
I find comfort in strange places, Paige's nurse that came to see us while Lily was having her MRI and then again in recovery.  From strangers on facebook and people I will never truly meet.  I am trying to educate the few people who can tolerate me how to deal with other mothers who have lost a child.  I even set up a facebook page to allow myself to just talk about my feelings and share pictures of only Paige.  However I am finding I can't separate myself like that and there is a lot of crossover especially in the feelings area.
So no I hope this not my new normal, it is just me right now.  I am working on Paige's angel/thank you cards and hope to get them in the mail before May.  I can only get through about 5 on a good day without completely losing it.  I am working on organization, I need a lot at home, work and with the girls.  I had an issue last week with crossing responsibilities.  I was supposed to work and be on a field trip at the same time all the while I had no one to care for Lily. It didn't dawn on me until the day before when my boss was double checking that I could work(not a normal Friday) that Friday was also the eighth which was the date of the field trip.  (If anyone finds my missing brain matter, please return :) 
So I am going to try to write more here now.  Hopefully it will help and hopefully it will be to document the good not just my needy self.
Thanks for reading.